When You Lose Your Cool: Repairing and Modeling for Your Child

It happens to all of us. You’ve had a long day, your child is refusing to put on their shoes, there’s a mess in the kitchen, and you’ve asked them — nicely — five times already. And then it happens. You lose your cool. Maybe you yell. Maybe you say something sharper than you meant to. Maybe you storm out of the room to catch your breath. And as soon as it happens, you feel that wave of guilt.

First, take a deep breath. You are human. Losing your cool doesn’t make you a bad parent — it makes you a human parent.

The key here isn’t perfection; it’s repair. Let’s talk about how you can recover when you’ve lost your cool and, more importantly, how to turn these moments into powerful teaching opportunities for your child.

Step 1: Give Yourself Grace

The first thing you need to do is release the guilt. Every human being has a breaking point, and every parent will eventually lose their cool. It’s not a reflection of your worth as a parent — it’s a reflection of your humanness. Give yourself permission to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or upset without attaching shame to it.

Instead of labeling yourself a “bad parent,” remind yourself: I had a hard moment, not a hard life. I lost my cool, but I can make it right.

Step 2: Repair With Your Child

This step is where the magic happens. When you lose your cool, you have the chance to model what repair looks like. Repair is the antidote to rupture, and it teaches your child some of the most valuable life skills: how to apologize, how to regulate emotions, and how to mend relationships.

Here’s how you can repair with your child:

Get down on their level (eye to eye if possible).
Take responsibility: “I’m really sorry I yelled earlier. I was feeling really frustrated, and I let it out in the wrong way.”
Label your own feelings: “I was feeling overwhelmed when you wouldn’t put on your shoes, and I reacted poorly. That wasn’t fair to you.”
Reassure them: “I love you so much, and I’m working on handling my big feelings better.”
Invite them to share: “How did it feel when I yelled? Do you want to talk about it?”

What you’re doing here is normalizing human emotions and repair. You’re showing your child that making mistakes doesn’t make you unlovable — it makes you human. You’re also giving them the tools to do the same when they make mistakes.

Step 3: Regulate Yourself First

One of the hardest things about parenting is learning to self-regulate before you try to regulate your child. But the truth is — you cannot pour calm into a chaotic moment if you’re still bubbling with frustration.

So when you feel your cool slipping, pause. Take a deep breath (or several). Physically step out of the room if you need to. Do whatever it takes to reset yourself before you attempt to reset your child.

Here’s a powerful phrase to remember: Spread your calm, not your chaos. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent; they need a regulated parent. And sometimes that means pressing pause, resetting yourself, and then stepping back in.

Step 4: Model Gratitude and Grace

Once you’ve repaired with your child, take it a step further. Verbally shift the energy from chaos to gratitude. Here’s what that can look like:

“I’m really grateful that we get to be together today.”
“I love how you still want to play with me, even after I got upset.”
“Thank you for being patient with me. I’m still learning, too.”

This does two things: it shifts the emotional energy in the room and teaches your child the power of grace and gratitude in hard moments.

Step 5: Teach Them That Energy Is Contagious

A truth we don’t always realize is that energy is energy. The energy you project — frustration or calm, chaos or peace — is what your child will absorb. When you yell, the energy of chaos builds. When you calm yourself, the energy of peace returns.

One of the most powerful lessons you can model is showing your child how to take control of their energy when things feel hard. By saying things like:

“I’m choosing to calm my body now.”
“I’m going to take deep breaths to help me feel better.”
“I’m resetting my energy. Want to help me?”

…you are showing them exactly how to self-regulate, even when it’s hard.

Step 6: Know That You’re Planting Seeds

In the moment, it might feel like you’ve ruined everything — but you haven’t. In fact, the opposite is true. Every time you lose your cool and then repair, you are planting powerful seeds for your child.

You’re teaching them:

That making mistakes doesn’t make you unlovable.
That repairing a relationship is possible (and necessary).
That they, too, can own their big feelings without shame.
That chaos can shift to calm with intention.

And most importantly — you’re teaching them that being human is perfectly okay.

We’d Love to Hear From You

Have you ever had a moment where you lost your cool and then repaired with your child? What did you say or do that made a difference? How did your child respond?

Share your experience in the comments below — your story may inspire another parent who needs the reminder that losing your cool doesn’t make you a bad parent — it makes you human.

Team NewDay Child Coaching

Rachel Lynn: Communication and Swallowing/Feeding Guide

Amber Michelle: Physical Development Guide

Amanda Rae: Fine Motor, Sensorimotor, Sensory/Feeding Guide

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