Parenting an Autistic Child: When to Challenge, When to Follow Their Lead

Rachel Lynn, SLP
Jul 14
3 min read

Updated: Jul 22

One of the deepest pains a parent can feel is the tension between letting their child be exactly who they are — and wanting to nurture them to grow.

Parenting an Autistic Child: When to Challenge, When to Follow Their Lead

When parenting a child with developmental differences, like autism, this dance becomes even more delicate. On the one hand, it’s vital to avoid setting rigid expectations. Life rarely follows a tidy plan, and putting our own assumptions on our children’s path can lead to disappointment for both parent and child. On the other hand, growth and learning are fundamental parts of being human. Supporting that growth — lovingly and flexibly — is still an essential part of our role.

It helps to think of it like teaching a dance.

Mom and son feeling regulated and having fun together dancing.

Parenting an Autistic Child: When to Challenge, When to Follow Their Lead

If we created a dance routine that was so easy it became boring, the dancers might lose interest and drift away. But if the routine was too complicated, the dancers might get overwhelmed, frustrated, and eventually stop dancing altogether.

The same is true for learners — all learners — no matter what labels they carry. Growth happens best in a space that is challenging enough to spark engagement, but supportive enough to feel safe. Our job is not to drag a child forward, nor to let them stand still out of fear of pushing too hard. It’s to find that rhythm where connection and challenge coexist, even if it means adjusting the tempo again and again.

Most importantly, we must be very careful not to make assumptions about a child’s potential. When we assume limitations — whether based on a diagnosis, behavior, or developmental milestones — we risk unintentionally capping their growth. Nurturing means creating opportunities to stretch, while also accepting and respecting the child's pace.

So how does this actually look, day-to-day, with developmental differences like limited eye contact?

It begins with regulation and safety.

If your child is showing you, through their body and mood, that they feel safe and regulated — that’s the moment to gently invite connection. Maybe you sing a song and softly gaze into their eyes. Maybe you play a peek-a-boo game. Maybe you simply sit nearby and share a moment of joy.

If they look away, that’s not failure. That’s communication. Respect it. Don’t try to "catch" their gaze. Don’t shift your body to force eye contact or turn their face toward yours. Instead, imagine yourself in their shoes: if something made you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, would you want someone insisting you engage?

Respect and safety come first. Growth follows from that foundation — not from force.

Perhaps the most challenging part of this dance is that there is no formula. No checklist. No black-and-white answer for when to push and when to pull back. It requires patience. Attunement. Flexibility. And that’s hard — beautifully hard.

You are doing a dance that is constantly changing. And each step, each choice to lean into your child’s cues rather than your own fears, is a moment of connection and growth — for both of you.

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