How Parents Shape Their Child's Behavior: Pay Attention to Where You Pay Attention

Attention

Picture this: you’ve just plopped down in your favorite comfy chair, sipping a hot cup of coffee. In the near distance, you watch your five-year-old and toddler playing dolls together. You smile to yourself and think—Yay! This day is finally here! My kids can happily play together.

Mom sits down to relax with a hot cup of coffee...until...

You take another sip of coffee and feel that rare moment of calm… until you see your toddler lean back, raise her open palm, and smack her sister across the face.

Wait, what?!

Before you can even process it, your five-year-old blinks back tears of shock and pain—then the wailing begins. You slam your coffee down, your heart races. You leap up and rush over, mind spinning—Why is this happening?

Instinctively, you scoop up your toddler to stop her from striking again. You say, “No! We don’t hit others!” But before the words are fully out, your toddler swats at you too!

WAIT.

Let’s rewind. Let’s go back to that first shocking moment: your toddler slapping her sister.

What do you think would have happened if, instead of scooping up your toddler, you went straight to your five-year-old and wrapped her in a hug? What if you gave all your attention to comforting the child who was hurt?

Could it be that your toddler was seeking attention—and found that hitting got a big reaction? What did your toddler learn when she got your full focus, even though it was for something negative?

Kids Learn Fast—Especially About Attention

Toddlers don’t fully understand “right” and “wrong” yet—but they do understand attention. And to a toddler, allattention counts.

When you react to unwanted behavior by putting your focus on the child who hit, you’re actually rewarding that behavior with what they craved: your time, your eyes, your words.

Next time, try this:

• First, give your attention to the victim.

• Comfort your older child—“I see you’re hurt. I’m right here.”

• Let your toddler see: hitting doesn’t win them the spotlight.

• Later, when your toddler plays gently or shares, that’s when you scoop them up with big smiles and say, “I love how kind you are to your sister!”

  
  

Pay Attention to Where You Pay Attention

Parenting toddlers isn’t about ignoring misbehavior—it’s about noticing where your focus goes first.

When we teach our kids that kindness and gentle play earn our attention, they learn what to repeat.

What do you think? Have you noticed this pattern in your own home? Share your stories below—your insight might just help another parent who’s sitting with cold coffee and two kids learning how to be loving siblings.

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And remember, early support isn’t just intervention—it’s prevention, empowerment, and connection. And it’s never too early to be curious, ask questions, and seek guidance. We’re here for you, every step of the way. 🍼👣✨

With heart,

The NewDay Child Coaching Team

Rachel Lynn: Communication and Swallowing/Feeding Guide 🩷

Amber Michelle: Physical Development Guide 💚

Amanda Rae: Fine Motor, Sensorimotor, Sensory/Feeding Guide 💛

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