How to Help Toddlers Communicate: "Why Would I Work for That When I Usually Get That for Free?" Think: Intrinsic Motivation

One of the first and most powerful lessons I learned as a young Speech-Language Pathologist was this: put yourself in their shoes. It sounds simple, but when you're trying to help a toddler who’s throwing a tantrum during what you thought was a motivating communication task, it can take some intentional reflection to truly see things from their point of view.

I remember one little guy in particular. We were working on encouraging him to say or sign a word to request a favorite treat. We used modeling, we waited, we prompted, and we tried to keep it fun. But instead of delight or effort, what we got was rage. He was infuriated. Every time we asked him to “work” for the treat, he melted down. At first, I couldn’t figure it out—he loved this snack, so shouldn’t he be excited to get it?

Then it hit me: he was used to getting this treat for free.

Little girl enjoying a large chocolate chip cookie.

How to Intrinsically Motivate Toddlers to Communicate..."Why Would I Work for That When I Usually Get That for Free?"

Can you imagine the confusion and frustration he must’ve felt? He probably thought, “Wait, what gives? I always get this without any hoop-jumping. Why the sudden change?” If someone suddenly charged you to access something you’d always gotten for free, you’d be upset too. That experience helped me realize something foundational about motivating communication in young children:

If you want a toddler to be motivated to communicate for something, it needs to feel like a natural part of the process—not a bait-and-switch.

Two Keys to Intrinsic Motivation: How to Intrinsically Motivate Toddlers to Communicate

So how do we encourage toddlers to want to communicate—without forcing it or creating resistance?

Here’s what works:

1. Pick something you know that they will love.

Whether it’s a new glowing toy, a new snack, a new way to toss them on the bed, or a silly sound game—if a child wants it, they’re already halfway to being motivated. This part is often easy to figure out. But don’t stop there…

2. Make it a “communication-only” item.

This is the harder part. If your child always has free access to a toy, treat, or activity, they won’t understand why you're suddenly asking them to do something new to get it. That’s when you see resistance, confusion, or even anger.

Instead, choose something brand new—or something you’ve never given without a communication exchange. If it's always paired with signing, saying a word, or looking/pointing to request, it just becomes part of the routine.

Think of it like this: if you’ve never gotten something for free, you don’t question having to work for it. But if you used to get it without effort, and now someone says “say this word first,” it can feel unfair or confusing.

Consistency is Key

Once you dedicate something to be a “communication tool,” try not to give in and offer it freely again. Every time they get it without communication, you're unintentionally teaching them that they don’t always need to communicate for it. Then, when you go back to asking for a word or sign, it feels like a punishment instead of a natural expectation.

And of course—like all things toddler—timing matters. If your child is tired, sick, overstimulated, or just not in the mood, press pause. Regulation always comes before communication. No one learns best when they’re exhausted or overwhelmed (especially toddlers!).

Ask Yourself: Would You Like It?

Before launching into a new communication routine, ask yourself:

• Would I enjoy suddenly having to “pay” for something I’ve always gotten for free?

• Would I feel confused or frustrated if someone changed the rules without warning?

• What would make ME feel motivated to try something new?

When we step into their little shoes, it becomes so much clearer how to support them.

So next time you’re trying to encourage a toddler to use words or signs to ask for what they want, remember: don’t charge for something that’s always been free. Instead, create new opportunities that feel worth the “work.”

You’ll be amazed at how capable and communicative toddlers can be—when the motivation makes sense from their perspective.

Have you ever accidentally created a “freebie” habit that made communication tricky later on? What strategies helped you turn it around?

Did you enjoy reading our post: How to Intrinsically Motivate Toddlers to Communicate..."Why Would I Work for That When I Usually Get That for Free?"

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With heart,

The NewDay Child Coaching Team

Rachel Lynn: Communication and Swallowing/Feeding Guide 🩷

Amber Michelle: Physical Development Guide 💚

Amanda Rae: Fine Motor, Sensorimotor, Sensory/Feeding Guide 💛

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